thank you for resting, mindbody
[image description: the author, a brown-skinned black person wearing glasses and a du rag, sits on a bed with multiple blankets. the photo is taken in mirrored closet doors and their phone is visible, covering part of their face. apple, a grey pitbull, lies on the bed in front of the author]
dear mindbody,
i carry a lot of shame for many times i messed up plans with friends, family, partners, coworkers, supervisors, and advisors with my chronic insomnia and hypersomnia. but i will no longer blame you for taking care of me.
i can remember struggling with sleep issues since my pre-teens, but i thought that i would have outgrown them well before my thirties. i’m thirty now and i have not outgrown this sleep disorder and these symptoms of other problems. sometimes it actually feels worse.
see, mindbody, i have a reputation for being incredibly reliable. my therapist recently told me i could apply to be a crisis worker with the city of san francisco based on the amount of crisis work i have done in my life.
but see, mindbody, i have a reputation for being incredibly reliable until i’m not. these inconsistent hiccups scare people in my life because I not only miss our scheduled time, they also cannot get ahold of me for a number of hours.
this is not your fault, mindbody. the fault lies in oppressive systems that led me internalize beliefs about capitalism. the fault lies in the intergenerational trauma that shaped the experience of my families and therefore my understanding of the world.
i have spent almost my whole conscious and unconscious life blaming you, mindbody, for not allowing me to be productive in both traditional and non-traditional ways. i did not recognize that what i thought of as a body-failure was actually a mindbody-success. this rather annoying and disappointing little “failure” of mine is how you, mindbody, protect me.
where i valued other people whether they “contributed” anything to the world or not, i only saw value in myself when i could contribute. i labeled consumption, both for sustenance and for pure joy, bad. i labeled labor, leadership, writing, publishing, speaking, tweeting, producing, researching, volunteering, helping, healing, good. the binary i constructed is not only reductive, it is destructive.
i blamed you, mindbody, for letting me lay down for a nap at 4pm when my patterns told it would take me at least 20 minutes to fall asleep and that I wouldn’t wake up for my 5pm meeting.
i’ve missed work, meetings, dates, meals, and more because I was sleeping. and each time i would blame you, mindbody. i would blame my own being. i would blame myself and use you as a scapegoat.
i’m no longer blaming you for doing what we need to do to feel rested, mindbody. you would not have to force me to recover through rest and literal sleep if i did not constantly run myself ragged. i would not have to deal with the consequences of not showing up for things if i volunteered less. if i was voluntold—shoutout to SA Smythe for this term—less. if i was not so worried about financial stability that i agreed to do more than i could handle. if i was less concerned about if people thought i was nice. if i was more gentle with myself. if i said no. not just more often, but ever. if i said no. when i say no.
mindbody, i read journal entries from a few years ago and i was discussing the exact same issues i deal with now: the desire for rest and truly restful sleep. i have recently been contemplating seeking professional help for my sleep disorder, and i likely will. but before that or concurrent with that, i need to sit my ass down. i cannot live a happy and full life if you, my mindbody, force our physical body out of commission and into a period of hibernation in response to us taking on more than we can handle.
but i will not chastise myself for functioning in this way for so long because it came from a place of survival, trauma, and deep deep conditioning that is no one person’s “fault.” i apologize when i sleep through something, but continued self-flagellation does not serve them or us, mindbody. the best apology is changed behavior and that begins with doing less. doing slowly. doing carefully. doing gently. doing lovingly.
we don’t nap, we slumber, mindbody. we intend to lay down for an hour, but you wake me up three hours later, even after setting an alarm. you do this because we need to sleep. thank you for that, mindbody.
we visualize waking up on time before we go to bed at night, mindbody. and still, we wake up momentarily, turn off the alarm, and go back to bed without even remembering we did it. thank you for that, mindbody.
we set one alarm to force you, mindbody, to get up. then we sleep through it. thank you for that, mindbody.
we set multiple alarms to keep us up after the initial alarm. you then promptly turn them hoes off and turn back over in our bed. thank you for that, mindbody.
we ask people to call us at a particular time but instead of waking up, you incorporate the buzz of my phone into my dreamscape. thank you for that, mindbody.
thank you for helping me rest, mindbody. thank you for taking care of me when i do not, mindbody. thank you, mindbody.
with lots of overdue love,
ant